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Tuesday, December 15, 2015

An Open Letter to Abe and Elle.

Dear Abe and Elle,

OMG! Am I not good enough? I mean, seriously. I’ve been hearing some grumbling about me having baggage. And the only baggy I can think of are those you use to pick up my poop. And honestly, who’s got the baggage if they PICK UP POO everyday. Therapy much?

Anyway… You’ve been talking about how I could use to get a little more confidence. So I don’t like walking on wood floors. And sure it seems to have gotten worse in this house. What do you want from me? I was perfectly content to live in a carpeted world where I could look out windows and enjoy life. Here’s a photo just to drive home the point of how awesome it was. It’s on you, dudes.
Swimming in a sea of carpet.
OK, fine. I don’t like my paws to be touched either. Nail clipping is the worst. That sharp snap sound. The fact that you guys can’t aim for sh!t and are guaranteed to nick the quick… and on clear nails! See what I did there? Two words ending in “ck,” nick and quick. What other dog can do THAT? 

And don't get me started on the furnace!

It turns out you’ve been talking about getting a puppy.  Yes… Inka and I can hear you. Puppies are lame. Sure, they’re cute, but hell… that won’t last. They grow up. They poop in the house. (Where’s that “baggage” you’ve been carrying?) Yes, you’ll get an “Aww, would you look at this guy?” from random strangers. But who are you talking to here? Me. Do you remember that you HATE it when people ask “Oh, what breed is your dog? She’s pretty!” I’m a boy for God’s sake. Just because I’m rather feminine looking. Look at my man parts. Well, they’re gone. Fine. Whatever. You get the point.

The Petition
We, the undersigned, hereby petition the American Society of Orphaned and Forever Homed Pets to deny the application of Abe and Elle in their drive to adopt Finley, a mongrel dog somewhere birthed in Central Illinois. Finley, what a lame name. The name of a town in North Dakota. No one likes North Dakota. That's why no one lives there. North Dakota is lame therefore and or consequently, Finley is lame.

We do not want nor would accept a puppy into our pack unless and until such time as in accordance with the universal laws of canine (butt sniff) and feline (face bump) greetings have taken place, and it, Finley (What an awful name!) is at once acceptable and not annoying.

The undersigned.

Jackaroo and Inka.

Finley*
PS. Fine. He’s cute, but that is no reason to adopt him.

PSS. *A puppy that in no way represents Finley, his cuteness, lack there of, or temperament.

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