Wednesday, December 31, 2014

What is this, dress up?

What on earth are Abe and Elle making me wear? This is embarrassing. Green is so not my color. I mean, honestly. Do these people read Vogue? For goodness sake. What dog wears a jacket?
I understand it's cold outside. I see Abe and Elle putting on so many layers before I get to go out in the morning, it's like, "Hello? Can't you see I've got to pee here?"

I roll outta bed, and I'm like, "Well, I'm dressed. Let's get going." Instead, I've got to stand around and watch them put on three layers of socks, weird things on their hands Inka calls "loves." And then they put on "hats" which is weird because the one place on their bodies I know they have fur, they cover it. Weird they are.

So Elle has also mentioned "boots," and I hope to heck she's talking about for Abe, because there ain't know way in bajeepers she's putting me in them. I mean... Seriously. How would I get these on?
Does this look normal to you? I didn't think so.
I've got a reputation to uphold. Just the other day some random dude was like, "Wow. What kind of dog is that?" and Abe was like, "Awesome." I can't be seen in boots. It's just...

Wait a minute. Inka tells me that Timberlands are, like, really cool right now.

OK... well, we'll see if the neighbors can handle me.
Hipster in hat, bow tie, and mustache.

Monday, December 29, 2014

Where the heck am I?

Well, Abe and Elle pulled a fast one on me a couple of weeks ago. Here they were all packing bags and stuff, and I’m thinking, “Great, here we go again.” Off to the “spa” for another weekend of bowel quaking “rest and relaxation” spent with “friends” and smells and sounds that can turn any stomach to jelly. That’s not to say that the “spa” is all that bad. I mean, they feed me and stuff, even though I don’t eat much when I’m there. Did I mention the bowel quaking “rest and relaxation?” Yeah, I thought so.

But here Abe and Elle were all running around, throwing things in bags that Pearl used to call “suitcases,” though I’m pretty sure neither Abe nor Elle ever put a suit in one of those. Does Abe even wear suits? Inka says he works from home. I just assumed he was unemployed since all he does all day is talk to his computer screen, type on his keyboard, and print things every now and then. He’s also moved his “office” into a closet. Does that strike anyone as odd? Just thinking out loud there.

Anyway, so Abe and Elle were like, “did you remember your Pee-jays? What about the toiletry bag?” and I’m thinking, is there something wrong with the bathroom?

Inka clued me in. “They are traveling again. That means spa time.”


No, I mean I get the craps, or I get sick, or I have to go to the Vet after they go on travels because honestly, whenever they abandon us, er I mean, “take us the the spa,” I end up with something.

One time, the day before a spa trip, I could sense that something was up. And I had, let’s just say an irritable bowel. Then another time after an extended stay at the “spa,” I came back coughing like you wouldn’t believe. I mean, hello? There are other dogs at the “spa.” Like, lots of them.

Well, this time, I’m like… Please, please, please, not the “spa.”

Then I heard Abe saying something like, “Well if we brought him with... Save a trip to the vet... It’d probably be cheaper… The hotel charges $75…”

Then bam, suddenly Inka’s swept up in her crate, and Abe’s like, “I’ll be back from the “spa” shortly.”

Wait, I’m not going? I’m like WTF? Don’t I get to go? That’s rude!

Then Inka said, “Get me the f$%& outta here,” as the door shut behind them.

Forty minutes later, Abe returns sans Inka, and then it’s like a flurry of suitcases, shoes, Pee-jays and toiletry bags, and pow, I’m in the crate and we’re heading south. I know this because I always poop looking north. At least that’s what NPR says.

A couple of hours later, and after enduring Elle and Abe’s mindless conversation, (“Jeez, dude. God, did that guy have to whip around me?”), we arrived in what Abe called a “Ho-tell.” Initially, I thought it was a prostitute recovery program or something, but then I realized it was just a room with a bed, TV, and a bathroom. It was like a mini apartment. It had carpet!

On the first day, the staff gave me cookies, which was awesome. And I got to see a new park a couple blocks away. But then the next day, Abe took me to a different park, and I realized that wait a second, this isn’t just any old place. This was Champaign. Abe took me one of our old stomping grounds! It was awesome. Then I saw Bailey and Wiley. How did they know I was going to be there? And Shin and Distance. It was like X-mas! Well, it was the week of X-mas which was pretty cool!

That night we hung out at Shin and Distance’s house with Bailey and Wiley and other people I remembered. Oh no! They had wood floors! Bailey, Wiley, and I got to eat pizza crumbs that people dropped. It was a great time!

The next day Abe and Elle packed up again and we headed back to the “spa.” “Do you think we should hit it first before home?”

“I don’t want to leave!” I thought, but alas… such is life. A couple hours later and a stop off to pee at a McDonalds, (They really do have good shrubs to mark. They smell like chicken nuggets), we picked up Inka.

The next day, though, I still ended up at the vet. Hehe! That’s what happens when you have too much fun!