Thursday, May 22, 2014

Pet envy.

What happens when someone like me goes to a dog beach? Suntan? Well, maybe. But there's a whole lot of pet envy. There are those dudes who circle you like you're some kind of prima dona. Unfortunately, they don't realize you're a dude. I mean, a quick sniff test would tell you that.

Then there are those "parents" who just can't seem to understand that their pets try just as hard as anyone else's. Unfortunately, they suffer from pet envy. It's that condition where your pet just doesn't score high enough on your internal pet test.

For example, Pearl would score about a 4 out of 10 on the pet envy scale. Shh... don't tell her I told you that. She's asleep right now which earns hear a bonus +1 for good behavior. Believe me, she needs all the help she can get.

Still, when pet envy gets out of control, it's kinda embarrassing. I mean... here Elle, Abe, and me went to the dog beach. Apparently, this is a beach that I can poop on. I didn't know we weren't allowed to just drop our drawers just any-ol'-where. Anyway, they're like, "Let's go to the dog beach," and I'm like, "Sure, I'm game for scoping out chicks."

So like, we get there, and of course the dogs circle me like I'm some sort of shark bait. They're all like, please play with me, but instead they're like circling really tight and barking and stuff. All I want is the damn Frisbee, for god's sake.

Elle throws the Frisbee when things finally calm down and I tell one dude to chillax. And the other dogs' parents are all like applauding. I mean... like actually clapping their hands and stuff. Cheering. I mean, how sad for their associated dogs. Maybe that's what the dudes were all shouting at me when I got there.

"Oh please, don't go after the Frisbee. No, no, no. Please... I've got to live with these people afterward. They treat me poorly after they see you play. It's depressing."

Of course, since they were all talking at the same time, all I heard was, "Oh please, see you play. Frisbee go. No, no, no. Don't after people live. Treat poor me. It's depressing." I was like, are they all Oliver?

Well, anyway... then there was this crowd on the pier which I was like, I just gotta give 'em a show. Alas, here it is.

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