Thursday, May 22, 2014

Pet envy.

What happens when someone like me goes to a dog beach? Suntan? Well, maybe. But there's a whole lot of pet envy. There are those dudes who circle you like you're some kind of prima dona. Unfortunately, they don't realize you're a dude. I mean, a quick sniff test would tell you that.

Then there are those "parents" who just can't seem to understand that their pets try just as hard as anyone else's. Unfortunately, they suffer from pet envy. It's that condition where your pet just doesn't score high enough on your internal pet test.

For example, Pearl would score about a 4 out of 10 on the pet envy scale. Shh... don't tell her I told you that. She's asleep right now which earns hear a bonus +1 for good behavior. Believe me, she needs all the help she can get.

Still, when pet envy gets out of control, it's kinda embarrassing. I mean... here Elle, Abe, and me went to the dog beach. Apparently, this is a beach that I can poop on. I didn't know we weren't allowed to just drop our drawers just any-ol'-where. Anyway, they're like, "Let's go to the dog beach," and I'm like, "Sure, I'm game for scoping out chicks."

So like, we get there, and of course the dogs circle me like I'm some sort of shark bait. They're all like, please play with me, but instead they're like circling really tight and barking and stuff. All I want is the damn Frisbee, for god's sake.

Elle throws the Frisbee when things finally calm down and I tell one dude to chillax. And the other dogs' parents are all like applauding. I mean... like actually clapping their hands and stuff. Cheering. I mean, how sad for their associated dogs. Maybe that's what the dudes were all shouting at me when I got there.

"Oh please, don't go after the Frisbee. No, no, no. Please... I've got to live with these people afterward. They treat me poorly after they see you play. It's depressing."

Of course, since they were all talking at the same time, all I heard was, "Oh please, see you play. Frisbee go. No, no, no. Don't after people live. Treat poor me. It's depressing." I was like, are they all Oliver?

Well, anyway... then there was this crowd on the pier which I was like, I just gotta give 'em a show. Alas, here it is.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Evan's Town?

Way back when, prolly when I was like first "adopted," (honestly, who adopted whom?), I was called "Evan."
See. Look how sad I was. I mean, who chooses the name Evan, right? I mean, there are no famous people named Evan. Really? None? I dare you to check.

Click here.

OK, OK, there's an Olympian. Which is pretty cool, I'll give you that. Then there's some girl. Who gives a boy a girl's name? Or a girl a boy's name? It's just weird. Call me Sue, why don't you, and see the weird looks you'll get. Just go ahead.

Well anyway, Evan I was called although I've always seen myself as a Jackaroo kinda guy. It's in the blog's title after all.

Now here's where it gets interesting. Everywhere I go now, I see signs with my "old" name on it. Nothing says "Jackarooville" or "Welcome to the City of Jack, Population: Awesome."

What's this Evan's Town thing?

Wait a minute. Pearl says it's Evanston.
We moved? Is that what that long car ride to the park was all about? I recognize we've been in this new place with the scary elevator and stairs made of metal for a couple of weeks, but damn, I thought this was kind of a temporary situation. We're not going back? But the yard. My friends, and my squirrel enemies?

I'm OK.

Plus, there is wood on the ground in this place. I know I mentioned it before, but it's worth repeating... Why would they put wood on the ground? Don't they realize a dog probably peed on that before it got installed.

Anyway... Evanston seems to be OK. I've met some dogs, but nothing like my buds back home. I mean... ex-home. Sniffle. Oh, I was just smelling Pearl's butt. I'm not sad or emotional or anything.

Well, at least I've got some sun!

Saturday, May 3, 2014

What the hell happened?

Seriously, what is going on? First, Abe puts us in the car. At first I thought it was, like, we were going to the dog park or something, but he doesn’t usually bring Inka. And she was in the car too. Then, I thought maybe we were going to the Spa. That’s what Abe says when they disappear for a few days and Inka is in a doohickey and Pearl and I are in a whatchamajiggy. It’s like we get fed and bathed and pet and stuff, yet Abe and Elle aren’t around.
But this took FOREVER to get the park. So long, Pearl barfed in the car.
Then, there’s… OMG. Tree floors? Pearl says they’re Pergo. I’m not sure what that is, but the floors are made of dead wood. Wood is what we pee on. For that, I’m certain.

Alas, I’ve segregated myself to the carpet, because I know that I don’t pee on rugs.

For some reason, we’re in a new place, and Abe and Elle don’t seem to want to bring me back home. Pearl says we’ve “moved.” I move all the time. In the backyard. Running after squirrels, rabbits, and, I don’t know, leaves? There’s no freaking grass here! I mean… well, there wasn’t grass in our backyard, but that’s Abe’s fault. That’s what Elle kept muttering under her breath whenever she looked at the backyard. If Abe wouldn’t keep throwing the balls away, I wouldn’t keep bringing them back to him there. Isn’t that that whole recycle thing Elle keeps harping on him about anyway?

So, yeah, Pearl says we’ve moved into a “condo.” What is that? Some sort of Ronald Reagan things?
Pearl has staked her territory against others.
No, that was Contra, Pearl says. What does she know? It’s not like she was around then. I just heard Abe talking about it the other day. “Oliver North is a national treasure,” he said. He sure sounded serious, but sometimes it’s hard to tell.
Inka seems to have taken to her surroundings. I mean other than her rolling around on my island of carpet, she’s none the worse for wear. Me? I can’t seem to get over these guys walking on dead trees. You don’t know who’s peed there. Seriously.
There's lots of rocks to see too!