Wednesday, December 31, 2014

What is this, dress up?

What on earth are Abe and Elle making me wear? This is embarrassing. Green is so not my color. I mean, honestly. Do these people read Vogue? For goodness sake. What dog wears a jacket?
I understand it's cold outside. I see Abe and Elle putting on so many layers before I get to go out in the morning, it's like, "Hello? Can't you see I've got to pee here?"

I roll outta bed, and I'm like, "Well, I'm dressed. Let's get going." Instead, I've got to stand around and watch them put on three layers of socks, weird things on their hands Inka calls "loves." And then they put on "hats" which is weird because the one place on their bodies I know they have fur, they cover it. Weird they are.

So Elle has also mentioned "boots," and I hope to heck she's talking about for Abe, because there ain't know way in bajeepers she's putting me in them. I mean... Seriously. How would I get these on?
Does this look normal to you? I didn't think so.
I've got a reputation to uphold. Just the other day some random dude was like, "Wow. What kind of dog is that?" and Abe was like, "Awesome." I can't be seen in boots. It's just...

Wait a minute. Inka tells me that Timberlands are, like, really cool right now.

OK... well, we'll see if the neighbors can handle me.
Hipster in hat, bow tie, and mustache.

Monday, December 29, 2014

Where the heck am I?

Well, Abe and Elle pulled a fast one on me a couple of weeks ago. Here they were all packing bags and stuff, and I’m thinking, “Great, here we go again.” Off to the “spa” for another weekend of bowel quaking “rest and relaxation” spent with “friends” and smells and sounds that can turn any stomach to jelly. That’s not to say that the “spa” is all that bad. I mean, they feed me and stuff, even though I don’t eat much when I’m there. Did I mention the bowel quaking “rest and relaxation?” Yeah, I thought so.

But here Abe and Elle were all running around, throwing things in bags that Pearl used to call “suitcases,” though I’m pretty sure neither Abe nor Elle ever put a suit in one of those. Does Abe even wear suits? Inka says he works from home. I just assumed he was unemployed since all he does all day is talk to his computer screen, type on his keyboard, and print things every now and then. He’s also moved his “office” into a closet. Does that strike anyone as odd? Just thinking out loud there.

Anyway, so Abe and Elle were like, “did you remember your Pee-jays? What about the toiletry bag?” and I’m thinking, is there something wrong with the bathroom?

Inka clued me in. “They are traveling again. That means spa time.”


No, I mean I get the craps, or I get sick, or I have to go to the Vet after they go on travels because honestly, whenever they abandon us, er I mean, “take us the the spa,” I end up with something.

One time, the day before a spa trip, I could sense that something was up. And I had, let’s just say an irritable bowel. Then another time after an extended stay at the “spa,” I came back coughing like you wouldn’t believe. I mean, hello? There are other dogs at the “spa.” Like, lots of them.

Well, this time, I’m like… Please, please, please, not the “spa.”

Then I heard Abe saying something like, “Well if we brought him with... Save a trip to the vet... It’d probably be cheaper… The hotel charges $75…”

Then bam, suddenly Inka’s swept up in her crate, and Abe’s like, “I’ll be back from the “spa” shortly.”

Wait, I’m not going? I’m like WTF? Don’t I get to go? That’s rude!

Then Inka said, “Get me the f$%& outta here,” as the door shut behind them.

Forty minutes later, Abe returns sans Inka, and then it’s like a flurry of suitcases, shoes, Pee-jays and toiletry bags, and pow, I’m in the crate and we’re heading south. I know this because I always poop looking north. At least that’s what NPR says.

A couple of hours later, and after enduring Elle and Abe’s mindless conversation, (“Jeez, dude. God, did that guy have to whip around me?”), we arrived in what Abe called a “Ho-tell.” Initially, I thought it was a prostitute recovery program or something, but then I realized it was just a room with a bed, TV, and a bathroom. It was like a mini apartment. It had carpet!

On the first day, the staff gave me cookies, which was awesome. And I got to see a new park a couple blocks away. But then the next day, Abe took me to a different park, and I realized that wait a second, this isn’t just any old place. This was Champaign. Abe took me one of our old stomping grounds! It was awesome. Then I saw Bailey and Wiley. How did they know I was going to be there? And Shin and Distance. It was like X-mas! Well, it was the week of X-mas which was pretty cool!

That night we hung out at Shin and Distance’s house with Bailey and Wiley and other people I remembered. Oh no! They had wood floors! Bailey, Wiley, and I got to eat pizza crumbs that people dropped. It was a great time!

The next day Abe and Elle packed up again and we headed back to the “spa.” “Do you think we should hit it first before home?”

“I don’t want to leave!” I thought, but alas… such is life. A couple hours later and a stop off to pee at a McDonalds, (They really do have good shrubs to mark. They smell like chicken nuggets), we picked up Inka.

The next day, though, I still ended up at the vet. Hehe! That’s what happens when you have too much fun!

Monday, November 3, 2014

RIP Pearl.


No, I meant "God," in like a monologue-sense. "God," I say, "when is Abe going to get off of the computer?" I mean, he's been sitting in front of it for months. I don't remember him ever doing that before. He's got a "job," whatever that is. He talks about "work" all the time, but he never leaves the apartment long enough for me to get on the computer.

Inka says he's "telecommuting" which is strange that she's started talking like Pearl, because Pearl died. That's my guess. Inka said that she's been "u-than-I-siezed," but since I'm a dog, that word kind of rolls off of me. Like, it's twelve letters long. What do you want?

Anyway, Elle and Abe took Pearl for a walk one day, and she never came back. Pearl, not Elle. It's like, poof. She was gone.

What happened? Well, since we've moved to Evan's town, things have slowed for Pearl. Their walking seemed to take forever. Abe would take her downstairs to go outside, and it would be like 15 minutes later before they'd return.

"She's really snail paced," he'd say in front of her. Geez, Abe. She's got ears, man. She can't hear well, but still.

"I'm getting slow," Pearl told me a couple months ago. "And I have to pee. All. The. Time."

Well, I heard Abe and Elle talking one night when Pearl was her sleepy knocked out self, that her "kid's knees" were going bad. Now what a kid's knees and peeing have to do with each other, I have no idea. But apparently, it wasn't good.

One day, Abe made roast beef overnight. WHO DOESN'T LIKE ROAST BEEF?!?! I thought.

Pearl seemed to know something more. "Oh no," she said. "Not the roast beef."

"What do you mean? What's wrong with the roast beef?" It smelled fine.

"You didn't know Carmen." Then, she sort of looked up at Abe.
The weekend before Pearl disappeared, I mean, kicked the bucket, Abe, Elle, and Pearl went for a walk. I know this mostly because Pearl smelled like grass and trees when she got back, and I've since found this photo of her.
There's a part of me that thinks she'll come back one day. That I'll get to sniff her butt once more. Come on... it's a dog thing. Settle down.

Anyway... I miss her.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Pet envy.

What happens when someone like me goes to a dog beach? Suntan? Well, maybe. But there's a whole lot of pet envy. There are those dudes who circle you like you're some kind of prima dona. Unfortunately, they don't realize you're a dude. I mean, a quick sniff test would tell you that.

Then there are those "parents" who just can't seem to understand that their pets try just as hard as anyone else's. Unfortunately, they suffer from pet envy. It's that condition where your pet just doesn't score high enough on your internal pet test.

For example, Pearl would score about a 4 out of 10 on the pet envy scale. Shh... don't tell her I told you that. She's asleep right now which earns hear a bonus +1 for good behavior. Believe me, she needs all the help she can get.

Still, when pet envy gets out of control, it's kinda embarrassing. I mean... here Elle, Abe, and me went to the dog beach. Apparently, this is a beach that I can poop on. I didn't know we weren't allowed to just drop our drawers just any-ol'-where. Anyway, they're like, "Let's go to the dog beach," and I'm like, "Sure, I'm game for scoping out chicks."

So like, we get there, and of course the dogs circle me like I'm some sort of shark bait. They're all like, please play with me, but instead they're like circling really tight and barking and stuff. All I want is the damn Frisbee, for god's sake.

Elle throws the Frisbee when things finally calm down and I tell one dude to chillax. And the other dogs' parents are all like applauding. I mean... like actually clapping their hands and stuff. Cheering. I mean, how sad for their associated dogs. Maybe that's what the dudes were all shouting at me when I got there.

"Oh please, don't go after the Frisbee. No, no, no. Please... I've got to live with these people afterward. They treat me poorly after they see you play. It's depressing."

Of course, since they were all talking at the same time, all I heard was, "Oh please, see you play. Frisbee go. No, no, no. Don't after people live. Treat poor me. It's depressing." I was like, are they all Oliver?

Well, anyway... then there was this crowd on the pier which I was like, I just gotta give 'em a show. Alas, here it is.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Evan's Town?

Way back when, prolly when I was like first "adopted," (honestly, who adopted whom?), I was called "Evan."
See. Look how sad I was. I mean, who chooses the name Evan, right? I mean, there are no famous people named Evan. Really? None? I dare you to check.

Click here.

OK, OK, there's an Olympian. Which is pretty cool, I'll give you that. Then there's some girl. Who gives a boy a girl's name? Or a girl a boy's name? It's just weird. Call me Sue, why don't you, and see the weird looks you'll get. Just go ahead.

Well anyway, Evan I was called although I've always seen myself as a Jackaroo kinda guy. It's in the blog's title after all.

Now here's where it gets interesting. Everywhere I go now, I see signs with my "old" name on it. Nothing says "Jackarooville" or "Welcome to the City of Jack, Population: Awesome."

What's this Evan's Town thing?

Wait a minute. Pearl says it's Evanston.
We moved? Is that what that long car ride to the park was all about? I recognize we've been in this new place with the scary elevator and stairs made of metal for a couple of weeks, but damn, I thought this was kind of a temporary situation. We're not going back? But the yard. My friends, and my squirrel enemies?

I'm OK.

Plus, there is wood on the ground in this place. I know I mentioned it before, but it's worth repeating... Why would they put wood on the ground? Don't they realize a dog probably peed on that before it got installed.

Anyway... Evanston seems to be OK. I've met some dogs, but nothing like my buds back home. I mean... ex-home. Sniffle. Oh, I was just smelling Pearl's butt. I'm not sad or emotional or anything.

Well, at least I've got some sun!

Saturday, May 3, 2014

What the hell happened?

Seriously, what is going on? First, Abe puts us in the car. At first I thought it was, like, we were going to the dog park or something, but he doesn’t usually bring Inka. And she was in the car too. Then, I thought maybe we were going to the Spa. That’s what Abe says when they disappear for a few days and Inka is in a doohickey and Pearl and I are in a whatchamajiggy. It’s like we get fed and bathed and pet and stuff, yet Abe and Elle aren’t around.
But this took FOREVER to get the park. So long, Pearl barfed in the car.
Then, there’s… OMG. Tree floors? Pearl says they’re Pergo. I’m not sure what that is, but the floors are made of dead wood. Wood is what we pee on. For that, I’m certain.

Alas, I’ve segregated myself to the carpet, because I know that I don’t pee on rugs.

For some reason, we’re in a new place, and Abe and Elle don’t seem to want to bring me back home. Pearl says we’ve “moved.” I move all the time. In the backyard. Running after squirrels, rabbits, and, I don’t know, leaves? There’s no freaking grass here! I mean… well, there wasn’t grass in our backyard, but that’s Abe’s fault. That’s what Elle kept muttering under her breath whenever she looked at the backyard. If Abe wouldn’t keep throwing the balls away, I wouldn’t keep bringing them back to him there. Isn’t that that whole recycle thing Elle keeps harping on him about anyway?

So, yeah, Pearl says we’ve moved into a “condo.” What is that? Some sort of Ronald Reagan things?
Pearl has staked her territory against others.
No, that was Contra, Pearl says. What does she know? It’s not like she was around then. I just heard Abe talking about it the other day. “Oliver North is a national treasure,” he said. He sure sounded serious, but sometimes it’s hard to tell.
Inka seems to have taken to her surroundings. I mean other than her rolling around on my island of carpet, she’s none the worse for wear. Me? I can’t seem to get over these guys walking on dead trees. You don’t know who’s peed there. Seriously.
There's lots of rocks to see too!

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Change in the wind.

I've heard Abe and Elle talking about "the move."

I'm not sure what they're talking about. I mean, Abe's always on the move wearing stinky athletic wear, and Elle's always got, like, tight fitting Spandex on before she goes somewhere on that contraption she keeps calling her "bike."

Still, last weekend we, Pearl, Inka and me, were dropped off at the "spa" for a little R&R. And things seemed to have disappeared when we got back the next day. Like, a bed and these boxes Abe and Elle seemed to be putting things into. Pearl seems to know what's afoot even if Inka and I are clueless. Inka seems to think they're just redecorating, but Pearl's been around the block a few times.

"I've seen this all before," she said. "And it ain't good. See, you all weren't born when Carmen and I made the journey west. Back in the day, Abe and Elle moved more often. Nowadays, there's pretty set in their ways. Seems like we're up and moving."

Moving? I don't want to move! I don't even know what that means. I like the parks and the runs Abe and I go on. And the neighbors and the... OMG... the view from the living room. Looking at squirels and such.

Where are we gonna end up?

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Has it been that long?

Man, it's been a year already? How is that possible? Inka's been around this place a whole 12 months. That's amazing. I remember how mad Abe used to get with her and Pearl in their "it's all so new" phase.

Now, would you look at this?
"Face bump!"
Pearl says she was just sniffing something off Inka's face, but I know love when I see it. OK, maybe that's being overly optimistic. Inka was just marking her territory. I guess it's better than had I marked Pearl as my territory. I think Abe would be made at me instead!

Inka stealing heat from Abe's lap.
Of course, I'm in the dog house this time. Yep. I done bad. I got my nail caught in something. I mean, who knew I was so fragile? Apparently Elle and Abe didn't appreciate me dripping blood all over the house. I had to go get taped up. It's been three weeks and finally Abe's letting me play outside. Can you imagine walking around with a plastic bag on your leg to go outside? Pearl was laughing at me the whole time. B$%&h!

Bum leg.
Anyway... I guess if Inka's been here a year, I've been here three. Can't believe it's been that long!
Friends forever!