Monday, March 12, 2012

Paternity test.

Boom chica mao, mao. Spring is in the air.
Say what? Yeah, you heard that right. A paternity test. I swear, I have no idea why I'm being DNA scraped when I know that the dog's cajones, so to speak, were rudely extracted one day last year. I may be a dog with a short term memory, but I remember that day clearly. There was like a bright light, then falling asleep. Then, when I woke up and looked "down there" something was distinctly lacking. I don't know. I was a little sore, but, you know, it could have been anything. Maybe the bed I was sleeping on, comfortable as it was at the Champaign County Humane Society, pinched something. A hernia. Yeah, that's what it was. While playing in the pen, I, you know, lifted something heavy. That's what it was. It's not like I lost my manhood or anything. Right?

Pearl's looking at me sideways. Saying something about how hers was much more taxing then my "procedure." Mentioned a hysterectomy or something. I don't know. Girls always make it seem more difficult than it is. That's what Abe says, anyway. I heard him, and he doesn't lie.

Paternity test. How else can I explain why Elle and Abe chose today to do it. I mean, it makes total sense. I must be a father. There were some wild times before I was adopted. Trysts and all. Back alley you-know-whats, know what I'm saying? Fatherhood. It's my destiny. Procreation. Dad. You might remember that I lost my "Dad" not too long ago, so there's something to be said for continuing the line. Wouldn't you want my progeny? Seriously. I've been called the best dog ever, and not just by Abe and Elle. Everyone compliments me on my coat and my stellar athleticism.  Always saying I'm well behaved.

Does this box look a little over the top?
Oh, wait a minute. Pearl has brought me the box. It's a DNA test to determine what breed I am and not a paternity test. Is that really necessary? I mean, come on. You know I'm totally awesome. Why ruin it by finding out that I'm like part Poodle or something. My God, could you imagine if I was? Hehe! Boy, would Abe and Elle be really disappointed. Quick, Pearl, let's find a Poodle on our next walk and really mess with their heads.

This looks complicated.

Seriously, though, I thought we already went through all this last year when they were fielding questions left and right over what I am.

Is doing this a second time completely necessary?
Well, they've scraped my cheek. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I mean, all I did was stand there. I just wish they were more quick about it.

In a way, though, I guess there's a plus to this. They'll stop badgering me about what I am. But, there is some part of me, maybe a small one, that wonders maybe I am a father. I just wish I'd known mine longer. Sigh.

1 comment: