Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I ain't no southpaw.

So, I heard Abe and Elle talking the other day about how I'm not a southpaw.

Wait for it...

Do you hear that? That's the wind blowing between my rather large ears. I don't know what the heck they're talking about. South what? I mean, sure, occasionally I'll stand all angled and stuff and one of my paws might be more southerly placed than the others. But, that doesn't mean I'm not a southpaw. Right?

Oh. Pearl said it's whether I'm left pawed or not. Well, why didn't they just say that? I mean, come on! Southpaw? Left pawed? Just say what you mean. Geesh! Why do they have to be all confusing and stuff?

Well, here's an article on it. Pearl made me research it. Blech. I hate research. Research is for the dogs. Oh wait. Never mind.

Anyhoo, Abe mentioned something about me "always turning to the right" when I go out to fetch something and come back. Then, he was like, "Oh look! He chews a cookie on the right side of his mouth." Then there's the "Gimme paw," and I give him my right paw. Like, what's up with this right-sided stuff?

I don't know. BTW, it's still fall.
And I'm off!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012


Good, God! Will that man ever get off the computer? I mean, seriously. My audience has been waiting desperately for news these last two months, and yet, Abe sits in front of that CPU thingy like it's the most important thing in life. Some business about a novel or something. How quaint.

Man, my dew claws have been itching to let you all know the big news. I mean, this is huge. Gigantic. ENORMOUS! Like, so freaking big, I'm not sure the font size can handle it.


Yeah, see... that's as big as it gets. Seriously? Like, that's as large a font as I've got for such ENORMOUS news? I feel jipped. Cheated, even.

Well, I guess the world wide web, which I thought was some sort of spider butt disease by the way, is really only so big.

So, the news. Right. Well. I mean, I think it's big news, but Pearl doesn't think it's all that interesting. 

Oh yeah, she's getting older, by the way. Yep, the doctor says so. She's got cataracts. Uh huh, don't have a clue what that is, but it sounds like some sort of burning career. Maybe like a welder? *Shrug. I don't know. Anywho, she'll just see things a little blurry.

See... we went to the park the other day and saw these kids. At least, this is what I saw:
I know, cute right? This is what Pearl saw.
Blobs. Yeah... well... I mean, they're kinda the same. But, she's still happy to see `em nonetheless.

OK, so that BIG, wait BIG news I was supposed to tell you. Sorry. Forgot.

Summer's ended. Fall's begun. No one has explained to me why that is.
Me looking all Sepia.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Dog days.

What a weekend. I just can't believe it's over! Woo hoo! I mean total awesomeness. It's like, the best weekend ever. I can't even describe how awesome pants it was. Wait a minute... Pearl's looking over my shoulder wondering where the hell I think I was this weekend.

See... that just it. Abe and Elle were pretty darn lazy-butts this weekend. Going on long runs without me. Going to a party without me. Heck, they even when to a Mexican restaurant... without... me.

Man. Where is the love, people?

Well, OK. Abe did take me to the faux dog park where I played with a bunch of other dogs. But then Abe and Elle took Pearl out alone. Without me. I mean, what's up with that? Hello! We travel in packs for a reason! There is a fox in the neighborhood lest we forget.

Maybe this is what they call the dog days of summer. That's what Pearl called it just before we laid down in the backyard, sunbathing. I don't know.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Hot, hot, HOT!

Man, is it freaking hot out there. I mean, what is up with these temps?

I know, I know, it's been a little while since my dew claws tapped away, but with the heat, can you blame me? With Abe and Elle in the house all the time, well, me and Pearl for that matter, too, it's hard to sneak into the office and type. Geesh, I wish they'd go to work or something.

Oh, Pearl just told me that yes, in fact, Abe and Elle do go to work, it's just that fall asleep when they do and wake again when they're home. It seems like they're here all the time. Whatever.

Anyway... Finally I'm "awake" when they're "at work" and stuff.

So, like, it's hot. Really hot. So hot, even Pearl doesn't like being out. Of course, that might have something to do with the fireworks. Yeah, they're annoying. Especially when, like, you're "doing your business" outside and someone scares the ba-jeebers outta you while you're going ba-jeebers. On the one paw, you want to thank them because nobody like ba-jeebers in you, but on the other paw, it's like, couldn't you wait just a few minutes? Sometimes no help is needed on ba-jeebers. Know what I'm saying?

When I've been able to get online, I've been trolling for girlfriends . What? No, it's not like that. Geesh. What do you take me for? Pearl and I are getting along just fine, and I occasionally see Penny and Penny. They're twins. But, you know, I'm just keeping my options open. There's this girl at the Champaign County Humane Society named Skeeter. I'll admit, that's not really a gal's name, but whatevs. Here she is.
This is Skeeter.
I was reminded of the photo Abe and Elle were talking about one day of Carmen. I think she was somehow related to Pearl. It's a bit fuzzy because, in all honesty, I wasn't around then. Here's Carmen.
This is Carmen.
Yeah, they don't look too much alike, but well... Wouldn't it be fun to meet Skeeter? It's not like Pearl and I don't get along or anything, just you know, wouldn't it be fun to have a new friend?

Pearl is looking at me dubiously.

Well... A guy can dream.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Free at last!

I am free at last!
Geez! What the heck was that all about? I've been locked up for two weeks and no one comes to check in on me? Sure, Elle and Abe called it the "spa," but Pearl and I know what that really means. We were boarded.

Sure, I heard Abe saying they were going to "board a plane" in the run up to my "spa visit," but I thought he was doing a little woodworking or something on the side. You know, like building Pearl and me a doghouse in the back yard or something. Dead wrong I was. Man, could I have been any further off on that one?

Well, we were locked up for two weeks. Granted, it wasn't bad. We were fed, played with, pampered even. We got baths and treats and things. For sure, it could have been nicer, no offense, with maybe trips to the zoo or maybe the dog park at the very least, but at least it wasn't at the shelter. I mean, really, they aren't that different, I guess, the shelter and the spa. I mean, you get fed and bathed at both. Of course, at the former, you're homeless, and at the latter you're, well, home-without. I don't know.

Anyway, we're back! Aww yeah! You know it, yo! Like, we're the shizzle now! Getting extra treats. Abe giving us rawhides when Elle isn't looking. Letting us laze about the living room while they're working on "social networking" whatever the heck that is.

So, I heard Abe talking about this trip they went on, and of course, when Abe and Elle were out grocery shopping or something, Pearl and I hacked Abe's computer. It's really easy to do, especially when his password is XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

What the hell? It's like all black and stuff. Pearl, what's going on?

Hmm... let me try that again. ABE'S PASSWORD IS XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Grrr.

Ok, so this is getting annoying. Like, Abe really likes this circular food item that starts with a P... um, circular item with like... sause and tchiise. Ha. Bet you can't figure that one out.

Hacked, that's what we did. Abe's computer, and now I see what they've been up to. Travel. They were taking photos of buildings. Like this one.

And, this one.

I'm not really clear on the why of this. I don't know, taking pictures of other people's houses is kind of rude, I think. I mean, how would Abe like it if some dude walking by the house snapped a photo. Yeah, I know, right? Creepy.

But then there were also these photos.

Is this guy actually wearing a shirt? And, pink at that? 

Hi there, little guys!
Weird? Maybe. I don't know. It's kind of voyeuristic. I mean, taking photos of other people's dogs? But wherever they went, apparently, dogs were everywhere. Look here! This one was in a restaurant.
"Yes, can I get a table for two, please?"
Actually on the inside. Not even on a patio or beer garden. Then there was another one, on the metro. That's what Pearl said she heard Elle saying. Not sure what the Metro is. Sounds kind of fashionable, but whatever. Dogs were there.

Well, I'm not sure where Abe and Elle ended up "boarding" for two weeks, but maybe, just maybe, they were thinking about Pearl and me while they were gone.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Didgeridoo crew.

Here we go again, you're saying. I know! It's kind of embarrassing all the ladies I've got sniffing my you know what, but what can I say? When you've got it, you've got it.

Well, I met yet another girlfriend this week at the fun run. Apparently it was "take-your-parents-to-fun-run-day" because there were nearly as many people as there were canines at Meadowbrook. Hard to believe, I know, but here's the evidence. See? Dogs outnumbered people.
Me and my didgeridoo crew.
OK, well, the legs in the upper center are really legs from a table I peed on, but they kinda look dog-like.

Anyway, I met Penny. She's the tan gal there looking all bronzed and stuff. It is spring nowadays, and she's looking pretty nude for sunbathing. But, I heard Abe talking to Penny's "owner," Driver, and, well, let's just say Penny ain't that kinda gal. Well, I don't know who Driver's been talking too, but Penny wasn't bashful about sticking her nose in my bidness. Know what I'm sayin'?
In other news, it seems that foxy lady in the neighborhood might have up and left. Took her pups and everything. She hasn't been seen in days. I'm gonna miss that crazy cat, er, fox.

And, I've been hearing word from Abe and Elle about the spa again. Something's going on, because Abe was talking German and Italian all at the same time. Damn. Well... I'll get some "us" time with Pearl, I guess.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Foxy lady.

Someone has been hacking into my account recently, and I can't figure out who. Darn kids, nowadays. I was just telling Pearl that there's something fishy, or should I say foxy, going on in the neighborhood. Pearl heard Elle tell Abe... I know, confusing... that she, Elle, had seen a fox in the neighborhood. Of course, Abe was like, "Sure there was a fox in the neighborhood." Then, he gave me that wink and nod thing. I was thinking, don't involve me in this. Does he really not know who is boss?

Well, then this morning, Abe was taking me to the faux dog park. You know, that place near our house that isn't a dog park but has all the trappings of a dog park without being a dog park? It's kind of weird cuz faux and fox are kinda similar. Anyway, we're walking to the faux dog park, and doing our thing and Abe's like, "What the?" and I'm like, "Why is that squirrel so big?"

OK, this is not a photo Abe took because the two photos Abe took are so sad. They're laughable. I mean, here's the guy walking along side me, leash in one hand, chuck-it in the other, and a skatbag in a third. He's barely able to get his phone out, which isn't a camera by the way, but it comes with one... technology! And he snaps this...
A sidewalk, or pavement, footpath, footway, and sometimes platform, is a path along the side of a road. A sidewalk may accommodate moderate changes in grade (height) and is normally separated from the vehicular section by a curb.
What the hell is this? It's a freaking sidewalk. That's what it is. I mean, who takes a photo of a fox from like 200 feet away and expects to see anything? Take a class, dude!

We continue on, and the fox picks up a pine cone or something at the end of the block.  It crosses our way.  A motorcycle drives by, and then we reach the corner.  Look at this!
This is a front of a house!
Abe! Seriously! You're a college graduate, and this is the best you can do? I see maybe a blur by the fence, but maybe it's one of those ghost images or something. FAIL!

Well, I got all excited cuz it sure looked like a squirrel, and who doesn't like to play with squirrels, right?
Will someone sign Abe up for a photography class, please?

Friday, April 20, 2012

The plo0t.

Me as I plo0t my take o0ver.
Yes, it is Pearl. I co0ntinue to0 plo0t my takeo0ver o0f the wo0rld. O0f co0urse, my do0minio0n is small no0w, but soo0n it will gro0w. All that yo0u see will be mine. Muhahaha!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Where the *bleep* is Elle?

Where the hell are you, Elle?
Bummed. That's what I am. It's like, something is missing in my life. Elle's been traveling for days now. I mean, sure it was fun for Abe I'm sure. The bachelor life. Showering when he wants. Occasionally having people over. Company is always fun for me and Pearl, but you know. Enough is enough already.
Abe's been eating Pizza every night!
 Abe's diet is suffering, too. Drinking vino by himself, pizza. Ugh, I even caught him eating salad! Good grief! What does he think he is, a cow or something?
Elle's handiwork.
Elle's been gone so long she's missed the tulips. What the hell is a tulip, and why is Pearl taking photos in color? She knows we only see in black and white.
Pearl's losing patience.
Pearl's on edge too. Elle was supposed to get back yesterday, but I heard Abe talking to himself about maintenance, flat tire, and plane. This talking to himself thing has got to stop. It's kinda wigging us out, and it's been going on for too long. Six days!

Anyway, while Abe showered this morning, (thankfully he did because he was really getting a little ripe), his phone pinged. It was a text from Elle. She's boarding.

Crap, Pearl. They're boarding Elle? We better call in reinforcements.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

My Name is Juchereau de Saint Denys, apparently.

Elle's depressed. Is it because she's traveling tomorrow? That's what Pearl thinks, but something tells me it's about me. I don't know. I think the paternity test came through, and Elle's found out I'm not the father or something. Like, it was a Maury-Povich-style-Jerry-Springer-surprise test and some other dude's the father. I know, I was hoping to see a "fight," too. You know, when on Jerry they have this guy standing there on stage in the black shirt and the ponytail to, you know like, pretending he's keeping the actors, er, people apart. Well, I was gonna be the guy on the right. I had it all planned out that some other guy was gonna find out he's the father and not me.

Wait, Pearl's reminding me that it wasn't my paternity test. It was a test to determine my parents. Close enough. Parents and paternity are kinda similar.

Anyway, Elle's crying. I know it's me. It has to be. I'm... a dog. I know. The results were conclusive. I'm canine. I know she was hoping for small child. Maybe a cute two year-old or something. Like this guy...
I mean, honestly. He can't possibly really be this cute in person.
Or maybe this guy...

How can I compete with this? Really? It's sad. I know. But, I can't do this. Sure, I can jump over things, even through hoops if you wanted, and play ball, but maybe he can do those things too. He can probably bark if he wanted to, and it'd be cute. Sigh.

Well, Pearl's handed me the results. Says she hacked into Elle's email to get'em. Pearl is nothing if not one devious b@#$*. Don't let her know I said that, though. She might think I've got some new found respect for her. She's not really smart enough to find the blog anyway, so certainly I'm safe. That, and she'll never figure out the password. I mean, who would ever think it's "Catahoula." Right? I mean, that's ironclad.

So, the DNA results. Yeah, that's what we're talking about. Well, they say I'm a Catahoula, which is really weird because, like, that's my password to the blog. Strange, I know. Huh?

Anyway, it's Catahoula of the Louisiana clan. My God! Not that clan, Pearl! Geez.
Catahoula, of the blue merle variety.
It's hard argue, I declare, with the pho-to-graphic nature of this argumentation. I mean, sooner er lata, I'm gonna be lookin' to get me some crawdads and gumbo. Yee-haw!

If you would be so kind to pardon me for the briefest of moments...

*cough*  *COUGH*

So, as I was saying, Louisiana Catahoula Leopard Dog, or Catahoula Cur.

Here's the form as provided by the testing company.
The plot does thicken, though, because I'm not 100% Catahoula. Oh, no. I'm only about 25%. I'm also 25% Border Collie, and that's a firmer 25%, for sure. That explains a whole lot. You know, something about typing probably would fall more into the Border Collie range than Catahoula. Nothing against my Southern roots, mind you, just given y'all the benefit of my Scottish brethren.

The resemblance is less canny, but a bit hairier.
So, here's the mix:

What's with the mixed breeds? Well, it's a mix. See for your self:
German Spitz? Um... Seriously? What the hell is that? I look nothing like a big fur ball. It's good to see that Australian Koolie is in the mix. Would someone delete the Pomeranian, please? It's embarrassing, and Pearl's laughing at me.

Well, anyway. It seems that Elle has gotten over the initial shock of my heritage. Either that or she really is leaving town tomorrow, and she's just tired. Sigh. Well, I guess I ought to change my name to something more fitting to my Cajun roots. I think Elle and Abe thought I was Australian and then Catalan when they named me. So, Juchereau de Saint Denys it is.

Blech. It sounds too French.

Monday, March 26, 2012


The suspense is killing me! Seriously, when are the results going to come in? It's been almost three weeks, right? I don't know what a week is. I'm a dog, but come on! I can generally figure out, routinely, when Elle and Abe stay home some days and not others. It's kind of a biological clock thing maybe.

Now Pearl's telling me Elle's about to leave town for a few days. You don't think that has anything to do with the test results, do you?

Argh! I am going to die. Put me out of my misery. Please. Someone. Help.

What am I?

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


This is Pearl.

I mean, speaking. Yes, I have hijacked this blo0g po0st because I've been hearing Abe and Elle talking. They are saying things like "travel" and "o0ut of to0wn." And, we all kno0w what that means. Yo0u have been visiting this blo0g fo0r a year no0w. Yes, I kno0w this. Who0 do0 yo0u think do0es all of the website analytics stuff? I am smarter than Abe, Elle, and Jack-o0 think. Yes, that is what I call him. He hates it.

O0h. So0, we have never met formally. Yes, Jack-o0 has mentio0ned me, tho0ugh he has been too0 stingy too0 let my dew claws type. He thinks because he needs his space that I sho0uld no0t "co0ntribute." Well, I will shoow him.

See, here. Let us see Jack-o0 do0 this? See! Running next to0 a bike. We have no0t seen yo0u do0 this, Jack-o0!
Me, do0ing so0mething Jack-o0 has no0t.
(Pho0to0 co0urtesy o0f  xAdam Darin)
Where was I? Travel, right. Apparently, Elle will be traveling soo0n FO0R FIVE DAYS, and that do0esn't bo0de well. Jack-o0 is go0ing to0 flip. Like, he is go0ing o0ff the reservatio0n, I think. Yo0u may remember the last time he did that. Can we say doo0r trim?
He is needy, and no0thing against Abe o0r anything, but he is no0t cut o0ut for do0uble do0g duty. If I co0uld rub my paws to0gether menacingly, I wo0uld. The S*&^ is go0ing to0 hit the fan. Elle will regret this trip. Mark my wo0rds.

P.S. What? So0 my paws are large and clumsy. That is why there is an "0" after each o0 I type.

Friday, March 16, 2012

A year in review.

Wow! It's hard to believe that I year has passed by so quickly. That's like 7.6% of my lifetime if I'm lucky to make it 13 years. I know, right? You're thinking, "Morbid!" Well, we all have to plan our lives to make the most of what we've got. I mean, a year ago I had no idea I'd make it this far. That I'd be hiking with my girl Bailey.
Or, maybe that I'd learn how to play ball with Pearl's help.
And how about that first day when Abe and Elle picked me up at the Champaign County Humane Society?  I looked pretty sad.
 To what I look like today.
There has been painting at the Mutt Strut...
And an egg hunt.
Agility training...
And soccer.
 There has been tug of war...
And fun and games.
 And triumph.

But, most of all.  There has been a lot of love.
Thanks to everyone who has made the last 12 months memorable for me.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Paternity test.

Boom chica mao, mao. Spring is in the air.
Say what? Yeah, you heard that right. A paternity test. I swear, I have no idea why I'm being DNA scraped when I know that the dog's cajones, so to speak, were rudely extracted one day last year. I may be a dog with a short term memory, but I remember that day clearly. There was like a bright light, then falling asleep. Then, when I woke up and looked "down there" something was distinctly lacking. I don't know. I was a little sore, but, you know, it could have been anything. Maybe the bed I was sleeping on, comfortable as it was at the Champaign County Humane Society, pinched something. A hernia. Yeah, that's what it was. While playing in the pen, I, you know, lifted something heavy. That's what it was. It's not like I lost my manhood or anything. Right?

Pearl's looking at me sideways. Saying something about how hers was much more taxing then my "procedure." Mentioned a hysterectomy or something. I don't know. Girls always make it seem more difficult than it is. That's what Abe says, anyway. I heard him, and he doesn't lie.

Paternity test. How else can I explain why Elle and Abe chose today to do it. I mean, it makes total sense. I must be a father. There were some wild times before I was adopted. Trysts and all. Back alley you-know-whats, know what I'm saying? Fatherhood. It's my destiny. Procreation. Dad. You might remember that I lost my "Dad" not too long ago, so there's something to be said for continuing the line. Wouldn't you want my progeny? Seriously. I've been called the best dog ever, and not just by Abe and Elle. Everyone compliments me on my coat and my stellar athleticism.  Always saying I'm well behaved.

Does this box look a little over the top?
Oh, wait a minute. Pearl has brought me the box. It's a DNA test to determine what breed I am and not a paternity test. Is that really necessary? I mean, come on. You know I'm totally awesome. Why ruin it by finding out that I'm like part Poodle or something. My God, could you imagine if I was? Hehe! Boy, would Abe and Elle be really disappointed. Quick, Pearl, let's find a Poodle on our next walk and really mess with their heads.

This looks complicated.

Seriously, though, I thought we already went through all this last year when they were fielding questions left and right over what I am.

Is doing this a second time completely necessary?
Well, they've scraped my cheek. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I mean, all I did was stand there. I just wish they were more quick about it.

In a way, though, I guess there's a plus to this. They'll stop badgering me about what I am. But, there is some part of me, maybe a small one, that wonders maybe I am a father. I just wish I'd known mine longer. Sigh.